I talk with unhappy people nearly every day.

It usually boils down to the same basic plot: they want more love and connection, don't know how to get it, and feel pretty low as a result.

Then I watch what they do to try to get it.

They judge. They indict. They keep score. They issue ultimatums and call it communication. Every one of these moves feels justified in the moment.

But not one of them produces, or ever will produce, love.

Not. A. Single. One.

Here are the fifteen I see most, along with a tell that it exists in your behaviors and a question to help sober you up in that department a bit.

1. Judgment doesn't create joy.

The Tell: You keep a running ledger of their wrongdoing, which you "can't help" but notice.
Consider: When somebody's grading your every move, do you warm up to them, or do you start performing? Why would they be joyful?

2. Indictments don't create intimacy.

The Tell: You build cases. You keep evidence. You have arguments with your partner in your head when you shower, mow the lawn, etc.
Consider: When someone brings the charges, do you open up, or do you mount a defense? Why would they want to be intimate?

3. Resentment doesn't create romance.

The Tell: They finally do something kind, and you meet it with "where was this when I needed it?" or can't see it at all.
Consider: When someone is warm to you but you can hear the grudge underneath, do you feel wanted, or are you inspired to give more? Why would they want to be romantic?

4. Contempt doesn't create connection.

The Tell: You roll your eyes, guffaw at their words, and trade sarcastic jabs.
Consider: When someone looks at you like you disgust them, do you lean in or shut down? Why would they want to connect?

5. Animosity doesn't create affection.

The Tell: They disgust you.
Consider: When you can tell someone is against you, do you want to touch them or show them kindness? Why would they want to show affection?

6. Ultimatums don't create understanding.

The Tell: You have very clear "I won't until they" or "I will when they..." conditions for things like warmth, kindness, understanding, empathy, and compassion.
Consider: When your heart gets a deadline, do you feel understood or cornered? Why would they want to be understanding?

7. Exasperation doesn't create empathy.

The Tell: You sigh deeply – a lot. Their actions are met with an internal or even spoken "here we go again."
Consider: When someone sighs at you before you've finished, do you feel like opening your heart to them more deeply? Why would they be empathetic?

8. Labeling doesn't create love.

The Tell: You internally or externally describe them to yourself (or others) as. Selfish. Cold. Needy. Lazy. You have one-word verdicts, and you use them.
Consider: When someone shrinks you to a single word, do you feel known? Why would they want to be more loving?

9. Accusations don't create acceptance.

The Tell: Your dialogue (visible and invisible) is filled with "You/they always." "You/they never."
Consider: When someone assumes the worst about you, do you get honest, or do you get careful? Why would they want to offer more acceptance?

10. Coercion doesn't create closeness.

The Tell: You know their pressure points, and you press them to get a yes, to get them to stop asking for something, or to escape your own discomfort with their words.
Consider: Does a yes you squeezed out of someone feel like being chosen, invited, and celebrated? Why would they want to be close?

11. Defensiveness doesn't create deeper dialogue.

The Tell: They raise a concern, and you're rebutting in your head, or in your words before they finish the sentence.
Consider: When you finally say something vulnerable and get an instant rebuttal, do you want to try again? Why would they want to go deeper?

12. Punishment doesn't create partnership.

The Tell: You go silent, cold, or withdraw when your partner expresses themselves, their needs, or their frustrations.
Consider: When someone punishes you with distance, do you feel like a treasured partner or teammate? Why would they want to collaborate and work together?

13. Superiority doesn't create safety.

The Tell: You see yourself as always the reasonable, correct, rational, logical, or "right" one.
Consider: When someone positions themselves above you, do you feel safe being your whole honest self? How could they feel safe, and why would they offer it back?

14. Blame doesn't create belonging.

The Tell: Something goes wrong, and your first move is assigning fault.
Consider: Whether you're the one at fault or not, how much do you want to be near the person pointing at you and assigning blame? Why would they offer a deeper sense of belonging?

15. Hostility doesn't create honesty.

The Tell: You feel like a time bomb of rage ready to blast out.
Consider: When someone is hostile with you, do you tell them the truth, or tell them whatever makes it stop? Why would they be more honest with someone who is hostile?

Bonus: Projection doesn't create progress

The tell: Your first instinct after reading the above was to be angry and think or say, "yeah, but... what about them?"
Consider: When someone refuses to do or be their best and blames you for it, do you find yourself wanting to connect with them? Why would someone make progress while absorbing the projection of all your unhappiness?

There's a strong chance that if you're reading this, you're thinking about how your partner is the one doing all of this, or wishing they'd read it.

If that is you, pause and take a deep breath.

I'm going to be painfully blunt, because your relationship and life depend on something you don't naturally want to hear: If your first instinct is to see your partner in this... that is why your life is going as it is, and until you're willing to begin seeing yourself in these dynamics, and addressing the ones in you, it is very unlikely to change.

I get it. I used to live like just about all of these ways at one time. Waking up to honestly seeing myself took a long time and a lot of pain and agony. Here are three spells I lived under for those years that I find with regularity in men and women who are experiencing deep relational conflict and friction.

1. Spell #1 - My beliefs and actions are disconnected from my reality: I can keep being this way without consequences, and my life and relationships will somehow miraculously improve.
2. Spell #2 - Someone else creates the life I want: My partner's change is the key to things getting better. The next move must be theirs. Until I can get them to change, I cannot be happy.
3. Spell #3 - New circumstances will create a new internal reality: My insides will change when the world aligns to my ideas about how everything, and everyone, is "supposed to," or "should" be.

For decades, I was under these spells in my life and marriage. And I didn't challenge them because they felt justified. Every judgment had a reason. Every kept score had a receipt. The reason and the receipt were always something I could locate in Zelda.

To be transparent, that's a hard thing to admit now. But it's true. I judged her. I indicted her. I withheld. I punished. And somewhere in the middle of all that, I somehow deluded myself into believing and expecting that her love toward me should be visible, growing, and steady.

Then I began asking myself some hard questions, largely thanks to homesteading and seeing real cause-and-effect relationships around me.

Where did I ever get the idea that I could sow these kinds of seeds and harvest something entirely different?

Because nothing in nature works that way. Not once, in the history of human relationships. And until I was ready to let go of these spells, I was powerless to have the life I wanted, and it couldn't arrive until she changed – if she ever did. I frittered away God knows how long on that mental rut.

The harder question came next:

Why would she even want to show up this way? If I show up like this, what exactly would pull her toward me?

Meanwhile, to be clear, I could easily say she lived many of these toward me, too. But listen... that's the nature of relational gridlock. I was certain she was the problem, while she was carrying her own version of that same certainty about me. Two people, both waiting, both out of moves, both losing years waiting for a new life spurred by changes in the other.

Here's what could have spared me twenty years had someone older and wiser shared it with me: Two people in gridlock rarely break out together. Very few, even with professional counseling or therapy, coordinate an exit with their partner. Our gridlock broke when I stopped making her change the trigger for mine.

But gridlock only needs one partner to start things moving again. Just one.

That's how it changes

You break the delusion. Being this way was never going to produce what you want, no matter how justified it feels.

You start making decisions about the one thing you actually control. Yourself.

So before I ask you what I want to ask you, ask yourself the questions I had to ask.

Where did you get the idea that you can sow these seeds and harvest something different?

What does your partner need to change before your life can start?

And who decided that was the arrangement?

So here are two questions, as a man who helps people out of gridlock for a living (I read every reply myself):

1. Which of the fifteen hit hardest and why?

2. If someone walked you through the first 30-45 days of breaking free of gridlock, helped you question what's underneath what you just recognized in yourself, and it cost $69-$99, would you do it?

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To your best life and relationships,

– Sven

P.S. And as much as you probably want to tell me, or your partner, about how your partner is doing among all of these - don't. Focus on which of these you need to change, and change them. Then watch what happens.