Hey Reader,

I hear the accusation often. Men don’t listen. Men don’t understand. Men don’t have empathy.

I completely reject that idea. That’s not what I see in the men I work with, and it’s not what I’ve lived. Most of us care deeply. Many of us care so much that our caring works against us. Men are awesome and oftentimes, capable of even deeper attunement, empathy, and compassion than many women.

The trouble isn’t a lack of empathy; it’s the internal state we’re in when someone we love is hurting.

When our insecurities flare, old wounds, the fear of getting it wrong, that subtle hum of not-enoughness, our brain doesn’t prioritize connection. It prioritizes survival. Not consciously. Not intentionally. Automatically.

It’s the same biology that kicks in when we're about to burst from needing to pee so badly that we're half-jogging, half-hopping toward the bathroom. Imagine being in that state, and someone we love begins crying in the hallway. Our hearts want to stop and hold them, but our bodies are already screaming, “Emergency! Move now.” Our biology overrides our intention.

This is what happens to many men in emotionally charged moments. Their empathy doesn’t disappear. It just gets buried under a sudden internal shift. Things are said, and felt that shifts a man's brain into "DECON 0" mode. His amygdala hijacks the controls. His body moves into fight, flight, fawn, or freeze. Not because he doesn’t care, but because he does, and because a part of him doesn’t feel safe inside himself.

I see this in men who are trying desperately to be the “source” for their partners. Trying to prevent her pain. Trying to fix what was never theirs to heal. And in that state, their world collapses to a single priority: “I need to stop this from getting worse.” Once they enter that mode, empathy goes offline, and performance takes over. Women seem to have a sixth sense for this, along with a whole lotta resentment that he doesn't show up in ways that feel very good to her.

You’ve probably lived this in your own way. A wife in pain. A partner spiraling. I am pretty sure you care, but I know that despite caring, something tightens inside. You start explaining, clarifying, defending, justifying, or maybe you feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and small, so you hide. Or, maybe you're prone to anticipating what she’s thinking before she even says it and form your response while she’s still speaking. Others try to re-route her interpretation so you won’t be misunderstood. All of that activity has one purpose: protecting yourself from a deep, subconscious fear of inadequacy.

And here’s the real tragedy: when we are in that state, we lose access to the part of us that is naturally empathetic, compassionate, attentive, and present. We aren't broken. We're overwhelmed.

A man who feels safe within himself becomes a man who feels safe to others. I see this frequently. Wives tell me, "He has really changed!" and "he's a different person!"

No, he's not. He's just finally feeling free to be himself and comfortable in his own skin.
And with that, clarity, presence, empathy, and fun and light-heartedness return. Not as a hack, or technique, or a script, but as a natural overflow of an unthreatened nervous system.

I’ve watched this in myself for years. Insecurity used to run the show without my awareness. Once I learned to recognize its signals and use them to grow instead of react to them, everything changed. Conversations slowed down. I stopped racing to manage the moment. I became less defensive and more curious. And ironically, I became far more empathetic by not trying to be empathetic. I've not had a fight with Zelda in over seven years, and not because I am going along to get along, or keeping a lid on hard feelings. It's because I enjoy who I am and don't feel threatened by anything she says.

Here's how you can spot the places where insecurity is still driving the bus. Look for these patterns:

• thinking about what someone else is thinking about, rather than staying with your own experience
• preparing your rebuttal while they’re still talking
• needing to correct their interpretation
• pacing your emotions around theirs
• feeling pulled to fix, rescue, or solve before they even finish the sentence
• feeling blamed even when no blame was spoken
• trying to read her emotional state
• feeling to the office, garage, den, golf course, or range to avoid encounters with her

These aren't really a lack of empathy, they're a deep lack of security and identity; a nervous system reaching for safety.

Once a man learns to regulate that internal chaos he's grown accustomed to thinking is "normal," he steps into the empathy everyone always accused him of lacking. He becomes more available, more grounded, and far more able to hold another person’s pain without collapsing into it or trying to outrun it.

I’m curious how this lands for you.

Where do you notice your own insecurities taking the wheel and pulling you into fight, flight, fawn, or freeze?
Reply and tell me.

Or, if this email stirred something in you, and you can feel the gap between the man you are and the man you know you could be, let me know.

Plenty of men want empathy, presence, and steadiness. Very few understand what it actually takes to build that kind of internal security. It isn’t a trick or a communication tactic. It’s a transformation that starts in a man’s nervous system, identity, and relationship with his own fear.

If you want to know what that work really looks like, reply and tell me. I’m happy to walk you through the path and what it demands. Not everyone is ready for it, but the men who are tend to change everything, from the way they lead to the way they love.

Stay warm,

–Sven

​